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Tolstoy in the Greater Pittsburgh Metropolitan Area and Surrounding Suburbs


Tolstoy in the Greater Pittsburgh Metropolitan Area and Surrounding Suburbs by Senor Lou, Senora Heather, and Senor John





Open on a living room in Africa. Enter the INDIAN BUTLER

INDIAN BUTLER: Curry? Senor, Curry?


ANNA Hello, our Indian Butler, I wonder what you might be doing?

TOLSTOY: Yes, I wonder.

INDIAN BUTLER: I am selling Curry.

TOLSTOY and BULTER begin Curry Song

TOLSTOY: I enjoy fine dining!

BUTLER: I enjoy refining!

TOLSTOY: Cracking plants are the life for me!

BUTLER: And the monkey...

TOLSTOY: Yes the monkey!

BUTLER: Look how the monkey fell out of the tree!

END song

ANNA: I did not sing!

BUTLER: Curry?

TOLSTOY: Look! A giant! Slap me! Now, fall down!

ANNA: I did not sing because for that brief moment I was deaf and mute, imagine, my dear husband and coach Tolstoy, that I, Anna Karrennena, could not sing in that last number.

BUTLER: I wonder...

TOLSTOY(build in intensity): Yes?

BUTLER: I wish...

ANNA: I wish, more than anything...

TOLSTOY: Where did we put the butter?

ANNA: Outside. The butter, like the working class, has been relegated to outdoor labour.

BUTLER: I fear for our lives.

TOLSTOY: Yes, I'd suppose you would.

ANNA: For we have become small people in a big world, and the moral message of this play is that all dreams come true to those who feel they are big and explosive in bed. Kind of like fortune cookies.

TOLSTOY: Let's go to Wean Wok.

ANNA: What? What was your verb for that last line?

TOLSTOY: Finish lines.

BUTLER: I fear I am not talking enough, beacuse I'm very quiet. I shall have a menopause.

ANNA: Don't you mean a song?

BUTLER: Yes...

BUTLER in Big Horse song

BUTLER: I enjoy being a horse. Of course, of course And nobody can speak to your mom, of course Unless, of course, that famous horse is the famous Mr. Tolstoy.

End song

ANNA: This has gone on too long.

TOLSTOY: As long as we remember, there won't be a next time.

ANNA: But I didn't have very many lines. There should be a tap number.

TOLSTOY: And something about wheat. These thoughtless deeds do not exceed the thoughtless plights of poverty. I feel that in most cases, I would say more, but in this case, with the hat that the butler wears, we must all accept our own lots in life and become one with the Big Apple.


ANNA: I agree, Tolstoy, who-heartedly. I will now attempt to do a head-stand. Butler, do the head-stand because you are the working class.

TOLSTOY: My God, Anna, how did you fit that all up your nose!

BUTLER: Please hold the curry? I feel tired, now. I will fall to the ground and fall asleep, staring directly at the audience as I do so. Why don't I do the head-stand? you ask? Well, it is because I feel I am being controlled and exploited, and I feel by doing a headstand I would loose all the change in my pockets. Now please return to me my curry.

ANNA: I did not like that one bit.

BUTLER: Curry?

TOLSTOY: Neither did I.

ANNA: How horrible! Horrible! Horrible! HORRIBLE! Horrible!

ALL: The horror.