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Richard Freshman

Jeffrey R. Parenti

1060 Morewood
Box 2109

(The scene is a cafeteria. It is during lunch rush, and there are few empty
tables. Enter Richard, who finds one and sits down with his nutritious lunch. He
takes from his heavy backpack a letter from his mother. He begins reading:)

Richard: "Dear Richard, Hey, Tiger, how are you? I hope you are adjusting well
to college life. In a few days you will get the book I sent you: How To Be Happy
At College."

(Enter Girl, with lunch, desperately looking for an empty seat. Finally, she
sees one next to Richard.)

Girl (coming over): Is this seat taken?

Richard (rather stunned): Uh -- no. Please, sit down.

Girl: Thanks. (Sits.)

(Richard clumsily hides the letter under his cheeseburger. After an awkward

Girl: Say, what's your name?

Richard: Uh, Richard.

Girl: Are you sure?

Richard: Yes. I'm Richard. (Sticks his hand out for her to shake.)

Girl (glancing at his hand): Richard what?

Richard: Richard Freshman.

Girl: That's unfortunate.

Richard: Pardon?

Girl: Nothing. (Chuckles. Thinking out loud:) Richard Freshman. That's classic.
What a stupid name. I mean, it's bad enough to have that name when you're a
freshman, but. . . Even when you're a senior you'll still be a Freshman. (Nods
her head.) Even worse your name is Dick. Dick. Dick Freshman. Ooo.

(Shaking her head, Girl gets up and leaves with her lunch. Richard sighs and
goes back to his letter.)

Richard (Reads): "Now Richard, don't go around breaking all the girls' hearts.
Only kidding. Enclosed is your weekly $5 allowance." She remembered! "Spend it
wisely. I hope you're meeting a lot of new friends."

(While Richard is reading, two frat boys enter, one carrying a stack of flyers,
the other a small booklet. They are staring at the booklet, trying to figure out
who Richard is. Finally, they approach him.)

Tim #1: Uh, Richard. . . Richard Freshman?

Richard (With his mouth full): Yeth.

Tim #1: Hi, I'm Tim. (Shakes Richard's hand.)

Tim #2: And I'm Tim. (Shakes his hand.)

Tim #1: We're from the Alpha Alpha fraternity.

Tim #2: But some people call us AA for short.

(Tims laugh at Tim's joke. Obviously Richard doesn't get it.)

Tim #1: Uh, anyway, we just wanted to tell you that we're open to freshman any
time, uh, here's a calendar of events. (He hands Richard a flyer.) Tomorrow is
the, uh, Buffalo BBQ. And Sunday is the Jello Bake-Off and Frog Jumping Contest.
Monday -- Monday is great, it's the Spam Sculpture Spectacular. And later next
week we'll be having movie night. And we'll be showing the "Porky" films that

Tim #2: Good movies.

Tim #1: Good movies. So, feel free to drop by any time, come meet the brothers

Richard: Um, thanks guys, but honestly I am not considering joining a

Tim #1: Oh, well, you know, you don't have to pledge if you don't want to, just
come by --

Richard: Really, guys, I don't think so.

Tims (Offended): Well, fine. So, you won't consider stopping by? Fine. Whatsa
matter, don't like us or something? Don't think the Jello Bake-Off is fun? Guess
you won't be needing this then. (Tim #2 grabs the flyer he gave to Richard. Exit
Tims. Richard goes back to his letter.)

Richard (Reads): "Now, Richard. Remember to choose your friends carefully." I
will, mom. "I have to go because Dad needs help up the stairs. I'll send a case
of chilicheese treats every month so you won't be hungry. And don't forget to
take your vitamins. College work takes a lot of energy." (Takes out his
Flinstones vitamins) I think I'll take a Barney today.

(Enter Millis. Millis is big. Real big. Probably 6 1/2 feet tall, weighs twice
as much as Richard. He seems lost, confused. He sees Richard and rumbles over.
Millis grabs the cheeseburger and puts it on his empty tray. Then Millis takes
Richard's entire lunch and exits. Richard, mouth full of cheeseburger, sits
looking stunned. Enter Jimmy, everybody's friend. He sees what just happened to

Jimmy (Sitting down): That was Millis Borg. He lost his meal tickets last week,
so he has to steal people's lunches so he can eat. It means he likes you.

Richard: Oh.

Jimmy: By the way, my name's Jimmy. What's your name?

Richard: Richard.

Jimmy (A la Mr. Rogers): Hi, Richard. (Shakes his hand.) I'm a Communication
major. What's your major?

Richard: Computer Science.

Jimmy: Awesome! Where do you live?

Richard: Kennedy 963.

Jimmy: Really? I'm in K-962! We're next door neighbors! Wow!

Richard (Sarcastically): Great.

Jimmy: Yeah! Well, see you around.

(Jimmy exits. We hear Richard's stomach growl. Enter President.)

President: Hi, my name is Dr. Robert M. Misqueue, President of the University.
(Shakes Richard's hand.) Welcome to NCLU!

Richard: Go to Hell.


(Next scene is Richard's dorm room. A mailbox. Richard is sitting on his bed,
writing a letter to his mom.)

Richard (Writing): Dear Mom,

I'm fine, how are you? I'm having an interesting time at college so far. I met
a nice boy named Millis today. We shared lunch. I also met my next door
neighbor. His name is Jimmy. He's very polite.

(Jimmy passes by and peeks his head in Richard's room)

Jimmy: Hey Richard. Pretty small room.

Richard (Writing, sarcastically): I think we're going to be real good friends. I
haven't met my roommate yet. His name is Chris. It says here that he's a
Computer Science major, too. We should be in some of the same classes so we'll
get to study together. I'm really looking forward to meeting him.

(Enter Chris, staring at a piece of paper, anxiously.)

Chris: Is this room 963?

Richard: Yes.

Chris: Then you must be Richard. My name is Chris Tuney. I'm your roommate.

(Richard looks Chris over. About Richard's size, long, black hair, and, most
evidently, a girl.)

Richard: Uh --

(Richard mulls this over while Chris unloads her stuff on her bed. He reexamines
the paragraph bio on Chris. Finally:)

Richard: You're Chris Tuney? (Noticing her sketchbook on the bed.) Computer
Science major?

Chris: Oh, this? I just draw in my spare time.

(She does look like an artist. Leather jacket with the back painted, dressed all
in black. She doesn't have any of the characteristics of a geeky comp sci major.
And she was still a girl.)

Richard: Um, I knew this was a co-ed dorm, but --

Chris: Oh, forgive me for not explaining. Actually, I'm supposed to be a guy. I
checked the "M" box by accident on the application. And since my name is Chris,
no one ever found out I was really a girl. I don't mind if they think I'm a guy.
It means I get to live on a floor with about a hundred guys. And room with one.
You don't mind, do you? (Laughs.)

Richard: Well, heh, heh . . .

Chris: I mean, how many guys can say their roommate's a girl? Well, I gotta go
register for classes. Bye! (Exits.)

Richard (To himself): Don't worry, Richard, this isn't actually happening.
(Returns to writing letter.) Well, Mom, I've determined that college life is
going to take a little getting used to.

Jimmy (Poking his head in): Hey, Richard, the Freshman Get-To-Know-Me Picnic is
in 15 minutes. Not gonna miss it, are ya?

Richard (Grinning and bearing it): No. No chance of that.

Jimmy: Ok, see you there, Richard. (Exits.)

Richard (Writing): Yup. I miss home already.


(Next scene is same room, that night. Richard is lying on his bed reading a Star
Trek novel. Enter Chris with her sketchbook.)

Richard (Still expecting Chris to be a guy): Hi.

Chris: Have you been in here all day?

Richard: Yeah.

Chris: Why don't you go out and so something?

Richard: I have been doing something. Reading. (Flashes her his book.)

Chris: I see. Well, after I finished registration, I went to the top of the Phee
Building and sketched the Quad. This really is a beautiful campus.

Richard (Back to reading): Mmmmm . . . .

Chris (After a pause): Well, we're going to be sharing a room all year, so I
might as well know something about you. Why'd you pick Computer Science?

Richard (Puts his book down. Proudly): Because I'm good at it. In high school, I
aced every computer course offered. I won the Basic Achievement Award, the
Pascal Achievement Award, the Fortran Achievement Award, and the Excellence in
Programming Award. I'm also fluent in C, Lisp, and Assembly. I graduated seventh
in my class. I was easily the best programmer in my school.

Chris: So why did you come to a hole like NCLU?

Richard: My parents couldn't afford it. See, my father's an asparagus farmer.
Demand was low last year.

Chris: What about a scholarship?

Richard: I guess I didn't have enough extra-curricular activities. Hey, I was in
the Young Republicans Club! What more do they want?

Chris (Smiling): Well, I don't know. But it's the same with me. My parents are
broke, too. Besides, I wouldn't want to be at a nerd school like MIT or Caltech

Richard (Offended): What? I'd kill to go to MIT!

Chris: Mmmm. (Moves over to her closet to get a change of clothes. Takes a shirt
off a hanger.) So, what else do you like to do?

Richard: Well, I read books, watch TV a lot, do a lot of programming -- (Chris
takes off her shirt.) Whoa -- (Shields his eyes with his book.) Umm. . .

Chris (Turning around): Geez, Richard, you act like you've never seen a girl in
her underwear before.

Richard (Swallowing): Well. . . .

Chris: Hey, if it bothers you that much. . . . . (Puts her shirt on. Richard
lets out a sigh of relief.)

Richard: Listen, Chris, we have talk about this. I mean -- it's -- you see --
you can't be a girl. I mean, what will I tell my mom? She'll kill me!

Chris: So you don't tell her! I thought that's what college was for. Getting
away from Mom.

Richard: Well. . . . . this (motions to Chris and her girl stuff) makes me --

Chris: You mean rooming with a girl? Come on, you'll get used to it. Besides,
did you really expect your roommate to be just like you?

Richard: No, but I didn't expect him to --

Chris: Have breasts? Heh, heh. You'll live, Richard. (Returns to her closet and
gets a skirt. As she takes off her jeans. Richard completely covers up his eyes
with his book. Noticing this:) My God, Richard, are you really this shy around
girls? (She quickly puts on her skirt and comes over to Richard. She touches him
on the arm. He jumps ten feet.) A wee bit jumpy, are we? (Takes the book from
his hands.) Richard?

Richard (Shakily): Could I have my book back, please?

Chris: Why don't you come with me to the Let's-Be-Friends Freshman Dance? You'll
meet some people. . . . .

Richard (Searching for an excuse): Uh, no, really, I, uh, have -- have to start
a program tonight --

Chris: For what? Classes don't start until next Monday.

Richard: Well, I have to start it so I'll be ahead. . . . Besides, my mother is
going to call in about a half an hour. . . . . (Looks at his watchless wrist)

Chris: You don't have to do a program and your mother will call back. C'mon,
let's go. (Takes his arm.)

Richard (Pulls away): No, really. I -- I can't.

Chris: All right, Richard, stay here and veg with Mr. Spock and friends. (Throws
him his book.) I'm going to have some fun. (Puts on her shoes.) See you later,

Richard: Bye. (Chris exits.) Whew. That was a close one.


(Next scene is a classroom. Small, capacity maybe 30 people. There are tables
that fit two people each. Enter Richard. He sits down at a table. He takes out a
notebook from his backpack and opens it to the first page. He writes down the
date, time, etc. Other students start to file in. One of them is Millis. Millis
is on the late side, and scans the room for an empty seat. Finally, he spots one
next to Richard. As he sits down, Richard flashes an unbelieving and shocked and
unbelieving look at Millis.)

Professor (English accent): Ok, I'd like to get started. This is Biology I
Laboratory. My name is Dr. David C. Ennard. Our first experiment involves the
digestive tract of a young turtle. The person sitting next to you will be your
lab partner for the entire semester. Today I'm going to dismiss you early so you
can get acquainted and do some initial research on the subject. Ok? If there are
no questions, I'll see you next week.

(Richard raises his hand, but the professor ignores him.)

Millis: We will work in your room. Where do you live?

Richard (Weakly): Kennedy Hall.

Millis: Let's go. (Gathers up his 20-page notebook and pen and rumbles toward
the door.)

(Richard closes his notebook and clumsily shoves it into his backpack. He
lurches the backpack on and heads toward the door, running to catch up.

(Open to Richard's room. The door opens. Enter Millis with Richard's keys. He
throws them on Richard's spotless desk. Enter Richard, carrying several
thousand-page Biology books. He struggles in and sets them down on his desk. Out
of breath, he shoots a biting glance at Millis, who doesn't notice. Richard
takes off his backpack and takes his notebook from it.)

Richard (Taking the top book off the stack): Ok, I think we should start with
the oral cavity. Salivation is an important part of the digestive system. . . .

Millis (Looking at Richard's awards): What are you, a computer geek or

Richard: I am a Computer Science major.

Millis: Computer geek.

(Richard restrains himself from answering.)

Richard: Listen, I think we should start doing our research --

Millis: Nah. Biology is boring. We'll do it later.

Richard: We'll fall behind --

Millis: I don't care. I hate Biology.

Richard: Why?

Millis: In high school I lost a girlfriend in Biology class.

Richard: Well, we have to get this done --

Millis: I shouldn't have to take this class anyway.

Richard: Why not?

Millis: Well, for one thing, I'm a Dance major.

Richard: What? No, really, what's your major?

Millis: Dance!

Richard (Laughing): Dance? You mean ballet? Tights, tutus? That kind of dance?
No way! Ha, ha --

Millis (Grabs him by the throat): Is there a problem?

Richard (Coking): No.

Millis (Smiling): Good. (Lets go.) Now, what were you saying about salivation?
(Reaches for book.)

Richard (Still recovering): Ahem! <cough, cough> Well, we should start with
salivation, important salivation. . . . . You're really a Dance major?

Millis: Yes -- why?

Richard: Well, you don't look like a Dance major. I mean, you look like you
should be playing football or something.

Millis: I don't like football. Besides, who cares if I don't look like a dancer.
I like to dance. Ok?

Richard: Ok! Ok! (After a long pause, realizes something): So, why are you
taking Biology then?

Millis: I have to! It's required.

Richard: For a Dance major?

Millis: They tell us it's a new and improved curriculum.

Richard: Oh. Well, we might as well do it.

Millis: No, this sucks. I'm hungry. Let's go eat.

Richard: I thought you lost your meal tickets.

Millis: I did. You're buying me dinner. Geek. (Picks Richard up by the shirt and
carries him out the door. Blackout.)

(Open to Richard's room. Chris is sitting on her bed practicing her flute. Enter
Richard, angry.)

Chris: Hey, Richard. What's wrong?

Richard: This darn Pascal program. The grader took 40 points off. I got a 60 on

Chris: What did you do wrong?

Richard: He wrote something about not using arrays in this program.

Chris: We haven't covered arrays in class yet, Richard. No wonder he took 40
points off.

Richard: But using an array was the most effective way to solve the problem. I
should've gotten extra credit for being clever.

Chris: No. You didn't follow directions. That's why you had points taken off.

Richard: This school sucks.

Chris: Why, cuz you didn't get a hundred on one program?

Richard: No, but they graded unfairly. What did you get?

Chris: A hundred.

Richard: What?

Chris: I followed directions.

Richard: You couldn't have gotten a hundred!

Chris: Why? Cuz I'm a girl?

Richard: Well. . . yes.

Chris (Angrily): Why do you think that?

Richard: Well, first of all, there were no girls in my programming classes --

Chris: This isn't your high school, Richie.

Richard: Please call me Richard.

Chris: You've got a lot to learn. Loosen up.

(Awkward pause. Richard looks over his program. Chris fiddles with her flute
then puts it down. She looks over at Richard, who is still examining his papers.
She gets up and sits next to Richard on his bed.)

Richard (Taken aback, moves a bit away from Chris): What?

Chris: Do you mind if I sit on your bed?

Richard: Well, gee, you already are, so I guess not.

Chris: Let me see you program.

Richard: No.

Chris: Let me see it.

Richard: No, way, it's against the rules to share code.

Chris: Please, Richard. I want to help you. Besides, the program is over and

Richard: I don't think it would be wise to --

Chris (Impatiently): Give me the program or I'll kill you! (Richard, stunned,
gives it to her. She looks it over.) Ah. Here. If you take this procedure out,
the one with the array, then add a few more variables, the program's done. (She
flips through many pages.) And a whole lot shorter. Why did you make this
program so long? It only required two pages of code.

Richard: To make it look nice. The more work you do, the better grade you get.

Chris: Not true, obviously. (Gives him back his program. She gets up, goes over
to her bed, and starts to put her flute away.)

Richard: You really know what you're doing, don't you?

Chris: Yeah, I do. Surprised?

Richard: Yeah, I mean, pardon the expression, but you don't look much like a
computer geek.

Chris (Laughs): Well, it helps to have more than one interest.

Richard: So, of all your wonderful interests, why did you pick comp sci?

Chris: Well, I don't know. I guess I feel a sense of accomplishment after
teaching a machine with zero intelligence to do something complex. How about

Richard: I hear there's a lot of money in it.

Chris: Is that all you care about?

Richard: Well --

Chris: No, I curious. What do you want to accomplish in a career in computers?

Richard: Well, uh, um. . . . I never really thought about it.

Chris: Maybe you should.

Richard (Defensively): Have you?

Chris: Yes, actually. Eventually, I want to design and program robots that help
the blind, elderly, and disabled.

Richard: Really?

Chris: Mm-hm. (Pause.) Have you started Program 3 yet?

Richard (Lying): Started? I'm done. Easy.

Chris: That's good. I'm going to the lab to start typing code. Later.

Richard: Bye! (Chris exits. He turns on his computer and starts typing. As he
types:) Program 3. Begin. (He continues to say Pascal things quietly while he
types for a while. Then, the door flies open. Enter Millis.)

Millis: Let's do Biology, geek.

Richard (Turning around): Millis! Don't you ever knock?

Millis: Knock? Why?

Richard: Next time knock. And my name is Richard.

Millis: Shut up, geek. Get over here and give me you lecture notes.

Richard: Why weren't you in class today?

Millis: I had a dance rehearsal.

Richard: All right. They're in here. (Hands Millis a notebook.)

Millis: I also came so we could work on our turtle digestive tract research.

Richard (Still typing): Can't you come back later? I have a program to write!

Millis (As he walks over toward Richard): I can't come back later. I have a
performance tonight. The research is due tomorrow. So I suggest we work now.
(Puts a heavy hand on Richard's weak shoulder.)

Richard (Weakly): Ok. (He gets up, crosses to a small bookcase where some notes
and books are.) I took some notes on the small intestine and finished up the
research on the rectum.

Millis: Good. That's about all we needed, right?

Richard: Yes, that should about do it.

Millis: Well, ok, I'll go back to my room and type these up.

Richard: You will?

Millis: Yes, I will. I'm a very good typist. 60 words a minute. I used to be a
secretary. (Exits.)

(Richard, pleased, but a little stunned, returns to his program. Blackout.)

(Next scene is that night. Richard is still working at his computer on his
program. Enter Chris.)

Chris: Hey, Richard, whatcha doing? (Looks over his shoulder.) Is that Program
3? I though you said you were done with that.

Richard (Frustrated): No, uh -- I was. I'm just making a few additions.

Chris: Well, what's the matter with it?

Richard: There's one error left, and I've been trying to find it for the last

Chris (Pointing at the screen): There it is. You missed a semicolon. (She laughs
quietly. Richard hangs his head.) Don't you hate that?

Richard (Frustrated): I don't believe it! A lousy semicolon? I spent an hour
looking for that!

Chris (Smiling): Ah, but that's why you love programming, right? (Richard
ignores her and just shakes his head.) Well, at least you're done now.

Richard (Annoyed that he didn't find the error): Yeah.

(Jimmy peeks his head in the room.)

Jimmy: Knock, knock.

Richard (Turning around, annoyed but polite): Hello, Jimmy. Come in.

Jimmy (Entering, clipboard in hand): Sorry to bother you, Richard. I volunteered
to be on the Anti-Drug, Alcohol, and other Amusing Substances Committee. I have
to check your room to make sure it's "clean." (Makes quotation marks with his

Richard: Well, I assure you, I have nothing that --

Jimmy: Oh, it'll just take a few minutes -- (Turns around and sees Chris for the
first time) Hello. (Still looking at Chris:) Richard, why don't you introduce me
to your friend?

Chris (Offers her hand to shake): I'm Chris Tuney. I'm Richard's roommate.

Jimmy (Starry-eyed, shakes her hand): Really? (Vacant stare and pause. Lets go
of her hand.) Well, I think this room's pretty clean. (Scribbles something on
his clipboard. To Chris:) By the way, my names's Jimmy, I live next door. . . .
um, see you around, I guess. (Turns to leave. Under his breath, to Richard:)
How'd you pull that off, you lucky dog? (To both:) Bye, bye! (Exits and closes

Chris: Well, he's quite a little insect, isn't he?

Richard (Surprised): What, don't you like him? Every other girl on campus does.
He dated at least 10 girls in 5 weeks of school. It's sick.

Chris: Yeah, he's a regular college stud. Nah, I could never date a guy like
that. (Pause.) What about you, Richard? I haven't seen you with many girls yet.
(Richard looks over but doesn't answer. Jokingly:) You do like girls, don't you?

Richard (Offended): Of course I do.

Chris: Well, what's the problem, then?

Richard: Been much too busy.

Chris: Oh, come on. Jimmy seems to have enough time.

Richard: Oh, please. He's a communications major.

Chris: No, I'm curious, Richard. Why don't you date?

Richard: No reason. (Uncomfortably:) Listen, I don't think I want to talk about
this --

Chris: Aw, roommates are supposed to talk about girls. (Richard turns back to
his computer and types some more. After a little thought:) Why do I make you so
nervous, Richard? If I get within 5 feet of you I can feel you shake. (Adding
with a smile:) And that's with all my clothes on. (Richard's discomfort shows in
his face. Chris continues to pry:) What about high school? Ah, you must have had
a bad experience in high school. What -- a dance -- the prom? Who did you take
to the prom, Richard? Did she dump you or something? What happened, Richard, you
can tell me -- (She approaches him. As she puts her hand on his shoulder, he
leaps up and crosses the room nervously.)

Richard (Bitterly, not looking at Chris): I didn't go to the prom, ok?

Chris (Softly): Why not?

Richard (Searching for a story): I -- I had to s-stay home and. . . baby-sit. My
sea monkeys.

Chris: Richard, why don't you tell me the truth --

Richard (Frantically): No, uh, I, uh -- couldn't afford it. Proms cost a lot,
you know. Hundreds of dollars nowadays. Actually -- oh, now I remember -- we
went on vacation that weekend. Cape Cod, I think. Yeah, it was --

Chris (Stops his from pacing by grabbing both his arms): You couldn't find a

Richard (Shaking): How did you know?

Chris (Yelling): Jesus, you're worse than jello on a spring. What are you afraid
of? (Richard shrugs.) Are you afraid of me? (Nods.) It's easy, Richard. It goes
something like this: I like you, Richard, I want to go out with you! (Richard
raises his head, eyes wide.) Do you like me, Richard, do you want to go out with
me? (Nods.) Good! Was that so hard? (Shakes his head. Softer:) Here, sit down,
Richard. (They sit on his bed.) Remember to breathe, Richard. (He exhales.
Slight pause.) Is it ok if I put my arm around you? (He nods. She does.) Boy,
you sure are a basket case. (She sighs.) Listen, I know you're new at this
dating thing, so I'll take it easy on you, ok?

Richard (Smiling): Thank you.

Chris: How do you feel now?

Richard: Better.

Chris: Yeah, I think your shaking is down to a few Hertz.

(There's a knock at the door.)

Richard and Chris: Come in.

(Enter Millis.)

Millis (Suddenly nice): Uh, hi, Richard. I thought I'd drop these notes off
because I won't be able to make it to Biology again tomorrow. (Hands them to
Richard.) Uh, listen, Richard, I want to -- apologize -- for calling you geek.
And for stealing your lunch all those times. You'll be pleased to know that I --
persuaded -- administration to replace the meal tickets I lost.

Richard: That's great. Oh, hey, how did your dance performance go?

Millis (Looking into the air): Wonderful. The ovation from the audience really
brought me at peace with myself.

Chris (Lights up. Gasping): Wait a minute! (Gets up and approaches Millis.)
You're Millis Borg! I saw your performance tonight. You were beautiful,
stunning, exiting. And so graceful for (Looks him over) such a big man. It was

Millis: Well, thank you very much. I'm glad you liked it. There's cast party in
a few minutes -- would you like to come along and meet some of the other

Chris: I'd love to! (gets her coat. They turn to leave, hand in hand.)

Millis (Over his shoulder): Bye, Richard.

(The door closes. Richard is left alone in his room, sitting on his bed. He sits
for a few moments, emotionless. Then he puts the notes aside and takes out a pen
and paper. He writes:)

Richard: Dear Mom,

I met a girl today. She asked me out. We had a lousy relationship.
Unfortunately, it lasted less than 60 seconds. She left me for a 2-ton gorilla
in a tutu. It doesn't bother me, though. i know you didn't meet Dad until you
were 47. Besides, I don't think I'd like dating much anyway. There's a lot of
things I should be doing instead. Like Program 4, which is due 3 weeks from
Monday. I'm going to start it now.

Your son,


(Richard crosses to his computer and begins typing.)

Richard: Program 4. Begin.

(Blackout. The End.)